What would my life look like if I had chosen some other path? A writer, a lawyer, a doctor, a marine biologist? Does it matter? I would have thrown myself into it in the same way I threw myself into engineering, until I was the best. And I like my engineering brain. I like that I understand how the world works. I like that I can think through problems methodically. Knowns, assumptions, calculations, solution. It’s a good way to organize a brain. And I like that anything feels possible. You just need to start somewhere. My job gave me that, I think. Don’t get me wrong, it’s taken a lot from me, too. But it makes me feel like crazy things can be built. The word “can’t” has a little less meaning now, and I think that’s a good thing. It’s also taught me the value of extreme ownership, as silly and pithy as that sounds. You have to assume that unless you make something happen, it’s not going to happen. I think that’s a good thought pattern, too.
As I approach the next stage of my life, I’ve put a lot of thought into what I want to do, to be. I struggle with the idea of purpose and importance. With how I’m perceived in the world. My whole life, I’ve felt like if I’m not doing something big, something that I’m meant to do, I’m living life wrong. Isn’t it enough to just be alive and observe the world? Do I need to climb the corporate ladder… or save the world? Maybe it’s enough to just exist, experience the natural world, and connect with others. I enjoy writing, but I immediately start to spin it as “how can I turn this into a product, how can I make this my purpose?”.
Reflecting upon nature has brought wonderful things into creation. Books, music, philosophy. Is there a difference between creation for humanity and creation for the joy of it? If a compose writes a symphony that goes unheard by the world, does it have less meaning? Who is more valuable – the Zen buddha who spends their days wandering the earth and pondering life, or the industrialist that builds an empire?
I like my engineering brain, but I don’t think I want to be an engineer anymore. I’m adrift, without a paddle, searching for some type of meaning in my life.
The only time I find meaning and true joy is when I have time to sit, and think, and read, and write, and learn. Unfortunately pure thought isn’t a very profitable endeavor in today’s world, or perhaps maybe ever.